Newsletters

Healthy Child Spring/Summer 2002

Mothers and Daughters: An Evolving Relationship

Dear Parents,

There are few relationships as intriguing as those between mothers and daughters. The reason for this is that the relationship grows and changes as our daughters grow. We start out as the nurturer who provides food, warmth, comfort, love and safety. As “we” conquer toddlerhood together, we teach our girls to love an ever-widening world and provide a positive example for how other people should be treated. In the preschool years, we color and do crafts, practice numbers and letters, arrange play dates, start driving her to classes and open the world to school and learning.

During the elementary years, we are the confidante, best friend and source of all earthly wisdom. We can pick out the perfect outfit and also double as the “world's loudest” cheerleader at the soccer final. And we love this! The relationship during this period of life fulfills all of our dreams about having a girl. And somewhere, tucked away in a little corner for no one else to see, is the knowledge that we are doing this better than our own mother did. We feel we hit the big time – we did it our way and won!

And then, our precious little work of art has the nerve to turn into an adolescent. She won’t talk to us; she becomes secretive and, worst of all; she gives us “that look” when we ask about her day. You know the look, the one that screams, “How dumb can you be?” All of a sudden we are sorry for each and every time we accused our own mother of not understanding, or worst of all, for thinking that she was so stupid we could hardly imagine how she got along without us.

One of a mother’s most important responsibilities is to give her child wings to face life on her own. If you have done a good job up to this point, you should expect the stony silences and the distance she creates between the two of you. You have showed her how much you love her and that it is safe to move away from the protective shelter of her mother to make some of her own decisions. It is even okay for your daughter to look at you and realize that, yes; Mom might not be perfect. Your child has to figure out who she is on her own and reflect on the kind of mother that she eventually wants to become someday.

Take heart, adolescence does not last forever. Better days are ahead. You will not be able to go back to the days when you were the all-knowing, most important person in your daughter’s life. However, you can come to a place where you and your grown up daughter are equal, caring partners in a life-long loving relationship. When you recognize that you have arrived at that point, stop a second and thank your own mother for having the courage to forge that same relationship with you.

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